How To Lead (Mediocrely) While Working From Home With Kids
I was watching a webinar the other day where Naomi Klein, well-known author, activist and filmmaker, got interrupted by her son. It was reminiscent of the viral BBC video where Professor Robert Kelly’s kids came into the frame while being interviewed on live TV.
There’s a difference between the Kelly video and the Klein one, however. Presumably, Professor Kelly made an affirmative decision to work from home. Klein did not have the same level of choice. As she put it, her son by her side, “we’re not going to pretend that things are normal.” She referenced a NYTimes article on proper etiquette on Zoom calls that calls for “no dogs or kids.” Klein elaborates:
“This is an example...all of the risk and burden of this crisis is being offloaded onto individuals..it is really hard to pretend that my home is a workplace...it is not..it is where he lives..we are running some sort of ad-hoc school now...and you are all part of the curriculum now!”
At ReadySet, we certainly haven’t embraced the no-dog or no-kids rule. In fact, we’ve done the opposite: normalizing saying “hi” to my 3-year-old or colleague Megan’s kid. Pets are also often in-frame. Because this isn’t normal. We are not working from home. We are trying to work while at home and taking care of our kids/partners/parents/pets/selves.
As the COO at ReadySet, I lead the organization’s operations, with the help of a part-time EA and ops manager, and directly manage our team of six full and part-time consultants. As managers everywhere know, seven direct reports (one with her own report) is a significant number. The one-on-ones alone take a full day out of the week. And, I do some consulting on the side. Did I mention that my husband also works full time? Oh, and I’m pregnant. And, like, much of the country, we are out of childcare for the foreseeable future. (It is sometimes hard to explain to non-parents that no, I can’t really take a meeting while my three-year-old is conscious unless she’s in front of a screen -- which she is a much larger portion of the time now!)
So, how am I getting by? Well, I’m struggling. But to the extent that we are making things work, I wanted to share what it is exactly that seems to be keeping things afloat.
Before I share the list though, some important caveats: we are mega-privileged. While we may live in a small apartment in one of the most expensive cities in the world, normally we have the luxury of outsourcing some of our problems (some cleaning, some childcare, etc.). Right now, we don’t have these luxuries, but we still have it good. And I’m not a single parent. I’m also in a senior role where I can largely call the shots. (There are also the factors that play into the overall context of my parenting -- my whiteness, being cis-gendered, able-bodied, etc.) These factors obviously significantly affect my ability to implement these routines.
With that, here’s the list.
My husband, Rob, and I are sharing things 50/50. All the things. He does the majority of the cooking, I do the majority of the cleaning. We split childcare as evenly as we can, work allowing. Hot tip: partner up with a feminist.
I’m being as transparent as possible with my team as to when I’m available and when I’m not. It’s marked in my calendar and I announce it on Slack. Some days, I’ll work 8-1, Rob will work 1-6 and then we’ll do overflow after bedtime. Sometimes, due to meetings or other work requirements, it’ll look different and I communicate that as well. I’ve been calling it the “triple shift” (childcare-work-childcare) and whatever it looks like for that day, I try to let the rest of the office know.
I have a process for escalating issues. The team knows to let me know how time-sensitive things are over slack or email so that I can triage. They also know to text or call if it’s urgent. (I can usually take a call when I’m on childcare, though I don’t promise it’ll be without squealing - an element forbidden by the NYTimes!)
I’m not at 100% productivity and I don’t expect the team to be either. I expect them to communicate with me about what they can and can’t do to do their best to be realistic. This is an unprecedented situation and it is not affecting us all the same. Some staff are feeling increases in discrimination or racism in or out of work, mental health issues can be exacerbated significantly, and then there’s the grief many of us are feeling. This is not business as usual.
I’ve talked to the team about how to “manage up.” Managing up can have negative associations and there are certainly some don’ts -- in particular, when the manager (the one with all the power) expects the direct report to mold to their needs. But in this context, my team of primarily child and dependent-less staff are going to need to be more flexible with me than normal and that will benefit all of us because they’ll get what they need faster. It’s also good practice in being more independent.
I’ve delegated whatever I can. Our Head of Employee Experience is doing much of the checking-in that I no longer have the time to do. She provides connective tissue that I just can’t fit in right now.
I’ve figured out that many folks trying to work right now fit into one of three sometimes overlapping buckets -- and I’ve been trying to manage or give advice to my clients to approach them differently, according to these tendencies (that may also shift over time):
Type # 1: The over-worker. Over-workers may be over-workers in non-pandemic times as well but are even more likely to over-work without the commute/physical distance from work and out of a need to distract from the outside world and/or focus on what they can control. The danger with these folks is that burnout is inevitable -- this is now more of a marathon (middle-distance race optimistically?) and we need to encourage time off, self-care, breaks etc.
Type 2: The freezer. Freezers might be having a hard time adjusting to the new reality of distributed work, be depressed, anxious, sleeping a lot or otherwise having a hard time getting things done (not surprising, right?). Unlike the over-worker, productivity can be an issue here. I am *not* expecting people to be at 100% but we do need people to be working enough to keep our organizations going. Managing these folks has to do with connection, social time and checking in; maybe also encouraging PTO or sick days.
Type 3: The triple-shifter. That’s me. Many of us have new/different responsibilities that we’re now juggling like parenting or caregiving for sick friends or family. We may overlap with bucket 1 or bucket 2. I think a number of the tips are relevant for managing these folks and I think a lot of the focus should be on finding individual solutions for different situations (having a senior in high school home is very different than a three-year-old) and balancing those with the needs of the organization. Transparency and flexibility re scheduling, I think, is particularly useful for staff of all levels in this position.
I’m still not doing a great job on this one, but I need to make more space for self-care. Or at least to feed my preggo self. My first week of no childcare, I had back to back meetings during my “on” times. Bad idea. I melted down on day four. As much as I can, I’m going to try to build in small breaks, quick exercise videos, sitting on our fire escape for a few minutes, whatever. I’ve been preaching this to my coaching clients but I need to follow my own advice: I can’t support the rest of the team if I’m a total mess.
In closing, this sucks and it is not normal. It may become the “new normal”, however, for a period of time and we have to pace ourselves. Parents are not okay, but we’re doing the best we can.
We’d love to hear from you -- what has been working for you working from home with kids?